Computer Joke
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So Windows is not a virus.It's a bug.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Lawyer jokes
Lawyer Joke
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
XMAS JOKES
The Untold Story of Freddy the Firefly
Copyright 1995 by Michael T. Martin
One day, when Freddy the firefly looked up from his meadow, he saw a long dark tornado coming out of a cloud right at him. Freddy tried to fly away but strong winds in the tornado spun Freddy high up into the dark cloud.
Freddy could not tell where he was going for a long time until suddenly the winds blew downward and Freddy found himself falling out of the bottom of the cloud into a foggy patch of pine trees next to a large fancy house. For miles around the house and trees, all he could see, was a giant field of snow.
Freddy the firefly had been so scared that he had not blinked his light at all during his long ride through the cloud. Now, fluttering through the fog toward the small patch of evergreens, he started slowly blinking his light. He usually blinked faster when he was excited, but it was so cold he could hardly blink at all.
Freddy had not been this cold before. Now as he landed on a cold frosty branch in a cold white land with frost on the needles of pine trees, Freddy worried that he would soon freeze solid as a rock.
"Oh, no." thought Freddy. "How am I going to get home from this strange place." Looking around, Freddy noticed a large deer in the middle of the patch of pine trees, and outside the patch, pawing in the snow, were many even bigger deer.
Freddy blinked his light without even thinking about it. It was just something fireflies do. But the deer in the middle of the evergreen patch seemed surprised and walked over to Freddy to put its eye right up to him. Freddy was a little scared because just the eye of the deer, only inches from his face, was a lot bigger than Freddy.
"Who are you?" he heard the deer whisper.
"I'm Freddy," he replied.
"What are you?" asked the deer bringing up its snout to sniff at Freddy. Freddy was startled by the long snout pointing right at him and blinked a little faster.
"I'm a firefly," said Freddy. "and I don't know where I am." Freddy felt better each time the deer breathed on him because the warm breath seemed just like the soft breezes of home.
"You have a light on your tail!" exclaimed the deer.
"That is why they call us fireflies," said Freddy as he kept his light on for a long time. "Do you mind if I sit on your nose?" Freddy asked. "Your nose is warm and I'm quite cold."
"You won't burn my nose will you?" answered the deer with amazed eyes.
"No! My light is very cool." answered Freddy, "You won't even feel it." The deer put his nose right up to Freddy, so he hopped on. "You and your friends are a lot bigger than the deer where I come from." said Freddy looking into two crossed eyes trying to watch him.
"We are reindeer," said the deer, "but the others are not my friends. They won't play with me. They say I'm too little."
"But you are big!" shouted Freddy. "You are almost as big as the others and lots bigger than all the deer I know."
"The other reindeer always call me names and make fun of me." said the deer.
Freddy stayed on the very tip of the reindeer's nose where the warm breath blew little clouds of white mist about him.
Freddy looked at the large house nearby, but he could just barely see the dim outline of glowing windows in the fog. "Ho ho ho," came a cry from the house as a large man all dressed in red stepped outside. Freddy could barely make out the dark red shape in the doorway. Then the man cried out: "Oh no! No, no!"
Another shape came quickly to the doorway, and a woman's voice exclaimed: "What is it Santa?" Several tiny shapes gathered around them, chattering in high pitched voices.
The man's voice boomed out again. "It's a terrible fog!" he exclaimed. "I can't drive a sleigh of toys in a fog like this. I have to be able to see that the reindeer all pull in the same direction. If they can't pull together we'll never get off the ground."
"Oh dear," cried the woman. The tiny voices became shrill wails. The reindeer outside the house looked worried and confused. "This is terrible." said the deer in a sad voice. "There's never been a fog like this at the North Pole. Up here it's too cold for moisture in the air to make a fog."
"It must have been that terrible storm that brought me here." said Freddy, blinking again. "Where I come from the air is always moist and warm. The fog must be from that storm."
"It's a terrible storm, then." said the deer. "It will ruin Christmas for the whole world. All year long the elves have been working to make the toys and now we can't deliver them."
Suddenly Santa's voice boomed out into the night. "What's that light?" All of the reindeer turned to look at Freddy and the deer and began laughing at them.
"What's that on your nose, Rudolph?" cried several reindeer at once. Some other reindeer began singing "Rudolph's nose is so red that it glows!"
Santa Claus shouted again, "Quiet! What is that light?" The night air became quiet.
"It's that doofuss Rudolph again." jeered one reindeer, "now he's got a light on his nose. Where he got it, nobody knows." The other reindeer started laughing again.
Santa strode over to Rudolph and looked closely at his snout. Freddy blinked and the light made Santa's eyes gleam in the darkness only inches away from Freddy. Santa's large white beard seemed to blot out the rest of the world. There was just the glimmering eyes of Santa, two red cheeks, and a nose sticking out over a bushy white mustache. Santa's voice was much softer now, "Well, what have we here?"
Rudolph answered without moving a muscle. "It's a firefly I found in the evergreens."
"A firefly?" exclaimed Santa. "At the North Pole?"
"I think he's lost." answered Rudolph softly.
"Well then, we're saved!" shouted Santa as he raised his arms high.
At first, Freddy thought Santa was going to swat him, but instead Santa patted Rudolph on the head and shouted to all the other reindeer. "Rudolph can lead the sleigh and everyone will follow the light on his nose. That way everyone can be sure they are pulling in the same direction. Let's go!" There was a moment of silence, then all of the reindeer began cheering.
The elves came running to harness the other reindeer behind Rudolph as Santa called out their names. They were famous names, legends of the North Pole, all lining up behind Rudolph. It all happened so quickly that Rudolph barely noticed the elves putting the harness on him that attached all the reindeer to Santa's sleigh.
Freddy turned to look up the long snout of Rudolph and saw two crossed eyes trying to look at him. "Hey, you'll be famous!" said Freddy, "and this means I can go home!!" Rudolph's eyes straightened and he looked all around him at the other reindeer cheering for him. He raised his head high and Freddy blinked his light.
The reindeer behind him straightened out until the harness grew taut. The fog was so thick Freddy could barely see the sleigh at the end of the team of reindeer, but he felt Rudolph begin to trot and heard Santa call out into the night: "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
The End
Copyright 1995 by Michael T. Martin
One day, when Freddy the firefly looked up from his meadow, he saw a long dark tornado coming out of a cloud right at him. Freddy tried to fly away but strong winds in the tornado spun Freddy high up into the dark cloud.
Freddy could not tell where he was going for a long time until suddenly the winds blew downward and Freddy found himself falling out of the bottom of the cloud into a foggy patch of pine trees next to a large fancy house. For miles around the house and trees, all he could see, was a giant field of snow.
Freddy the firefly had been so scared that he had not blinked his light at all during his long ride through the cloud. Now, fluttering through the fog toward the small patch of evergreens, he started slowly blinking his light. He usually blinked faster when he was excited, but it was so cold he could hardly blink at all.
Freddy had not been this cold before. Now as he landed on a cold frosty branch in a cold white land with frost on the needles of pine trees, Freddy worried that he would soon freeze solid as a rock.
"Oh, no." thought Freddy. "How am I going to get home from this strange place." Looking around, Freddy noticed a large deer in the middle of the patch of pine trees, and outside the patch, pawing in the snow, were many even bigger deer.
Freddy blinked his light without even thinking about it. It was just something fireflies do. But the deer in the middle of the evergreen patch seemed surprised and walked over to Freddy to put its eye right up to him. Freddy was a little scared because just the eye of the deer, only inches from his face, was a lot bigger than Freddy.
"Who are you?" he heard the deer whisper.
"I'm Freddy," he replied.
"What are you?" asked the deer bringing up its snout to sniff at Freddy. Freddy was startled by the long snout pointing right at him and blinked a little faster.
"I'm a firefly," said Freddy. "and I don't know where I am." Freddy felt better each time the deer breathed on him because the warm breath seemed just like the soft breezes of home.
"You have a light on your tail!" exclaimed the deer.
"That is why they call us fireflies," said Freddy as he kept his light on for a long time. "Do you mind if I sit on your nose?" Freddy asked. "Your nose is warm and I'm quite cold."
"You won't burn my nose will you?" answered the deer with amazed eyes.
"No! My light is very cool." answered Freddy, "You won't even feel it." The deer put his nose right up to Freddy, so he hopped on. "You and your friends are a lot bigger than the deer where I come from." said Freddy looking into two crossed eyes trying to watch him.
"We are reindeer," said the deer, "but the others are not my friends. They won't play with me. They say I'm too little."
"But you are big!" shouted Freddy. "You are almost as big as the others and lots bigger than all the deer I know."
"The other reindeer always call me names and make fun of me." said the deer.
Freddy stayed on the very tip of the reindeer's nose where the warm breath blew little clouds of white mist about him.
Freddy looked at the large house nearby, but he could just barely see the dim outline of glowing windows in the fog. "Ho ho ho," came a cry from the house as a large man all dressed in red stepped outside. Freddy could barely make out the dark red shape in the doorway. Then the man cried out: "Oh no! No, no!"
Another shape came quickly to the doorway, and a woman's voice exclaimed: "What is it Santa?" Several tiny shapes gathered around them, chattering in high pitched voices.
The man's voice boomed out again. "It's a terrible fog!" he exclaimed. "I can't drive a sleigh of toys in a fog like this. I have to be able to see that the reindeer all pull in the same direction. If they can't pull together we'll never get off the ground."
"Oh dear," cried the woman. The tiny voices became shrill wails. The reindeer outside the house looked worried and confused. "This is terrible." said the deer in a sad voice. "There's never been a fog like this at the North Pole. Up here it's too cold for moisture in the air to make a fog."
"It must have been that terrible storm that brought me here." said Freddy, blinking again. "Where I come from the air is always moist and warm. The fog must be from that storm."
"It's a terrible storm, then." said the deer. "It will ruin Christmas for the whole world. All year long the elves have been working to make the toys and now we can't deliver them."
Suddenly Santa's voice boomed out into the night. "What's that light?" All of the reindeer turned to look at Freddy and the deer and began laughing at them.
"What's that on your nose, Rudolph?" cried several reindeer at once. Some other reindeer began singing "Rudolph's nose is so red that it glows!"
Santa Claus shouted again, "Quiet! What is that light?" The night air became quiet.
"It's that doofuss Rudolph again." jeered one reindeer, "now he's got a light on his nose. Where he got it, nobody knows." The other reindeer started laughing again.
Santa strode over to Rudolph and looked closely at his snout. Freddy blinked and the light made Santa's eyes gleam in the darkness only inches away from Freddy. Santa's large white beard seemed to blot out the rest of the world. There was just the glimmering eyes of Santa, two red cheeks, and a nose sticking out over a bushy white mustache. Santa's voice was much softer now, "Well, what have we here?"
Rudolph answered without moving a muscle. "It's a firefly I found in the evergreens."
"A firefly?" exclaimed Santa. "At the North Pole?"
"I think he's lost." answered Rudolph softly.
"Well then, we're saved!" shouted Santa as he raised his arms high.
At first, Freddy thought Santa was going to swat him, but instead Santa patted Rudolph on the head and shouted to all the other reindeer. "Rudolph can lead the sleigh and everyone will follow the light on his nose. That way everyone can be sure they are pulling in the same direction. Let's go!" There was a moment of silence, then all of the reindeer began cheering.
The elves came running to harness the other reindeer behind Rudolph as Santa called out their names. They were famous names, legends of the North Pole, all lining up behind Rudolph. It all happened so quickly that Rudolph barely noticed the elves putting the harness on him that attached all the reindeer to Santa's sleigh.
Freddy turned to look up the long snout of Rudolph and saw two crossed eyes trying to look at him. "Hey, you'll be famous!" said Freddy, "and this means I can go home!!" Rudolph's eyes straightened and he looked all around him at the other reindeer cheering for him. He raised his head high and Freddy blinked his light.
The reindeer behind him straightened out until the harness grew taut. The fog was so thick Freddy could barely see the sleigh at the end of the team of reindeer, but he felt Rudolph begin to trot and heard Santa call out into the night: "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
The End
Offensive Jokes
A discussion of the continuum between pointlessness and offensiveness is incomplete without an illustration of the latter. The following joke is grossly offensive, although some find it funny.
Q: What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway? A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
Many principles are violated in this example, including the sanctity of human life, and the special sanctity of people devoted to holy and abstinent lives, and the sanctity of women. These are violations similar to those in any number of jokes involving injury or death, whether of priestly, feminine, or human creatures, or otherwise. However, some additional components make this particular example somewhat different from others.
First, a person with a javelin through their head would hardly be concerned about their inability to turn around in doorways. The moral principle here is that people should be concerned with things that are important, and not bother about irrelevancies. A person with such an injury certainly has more important things on her mind than this particular inability. Using the inability to turn around in a doorway as the essential defining feature of a nun with a javelin through her head violates this principle of irrelevancies. Further, the thought of further injuries due to the attempt to turn around in a doorway violates further principles regarding the prevention of self-injury.
Consider why this joke might or might not be funny. People who find it offensive are, by this theory of humor, unable to give the described situation a ``normal'' interpretation, either because the joke is told badly or because of a strong emotional commitment to the principles violated. People that find the joke funny are, by the theory, not so attached. Furthermore, since the principles violated would seem to be universal moral principles that everyone would have at least some attachment to, the theory also predicts that no-one could fail to see the point, because everyone would recognise a violation of an important moral principle: one may only think this joke is either offensive or funny.
Joke analysis according to the present theory can be continued ad libitum. I know of no examples which cannot be analysed plausibly using the present theory. Instead of prolonging the discussion of jokes, then, we will move on to some other classes of humor-related phenomena.
Q: What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway? A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
Many principles are violated in this example, including the sanctity of human life, and the special sanctity of people devoted to holy and abstinent lives, and the sanctity of women. These are violations similar to those in any number of jokes involving injury or death, whether of priestly, feminine, or human creatures, or otherwise. However, some additional components make this particular example somewhat different from others.
First, a person with a javelin through their head would hardly be concerned about their inability to turn around in doorways. The moral principle here is that people should be concerned with things that are important, and not bother about irrelevancies. A person with such an injury certainly has more important things on her mind than this particular inability. Using the inability to turn around in a doorway as the essential defining feature of a nun with a javelin through her head violates this principle of irrelevancies. Further, the thought of further injuries due to the attempt to turn around in a doorway violates further principles regarding the prevention of self-injury.
Consider why this joke might or might not be funny. People who find it offensive are, by this theory of humor, unable to give the described situation a ``normal'' interpretation, either because the joke is told badly or because of a strong emotional commitment to the principles violated. People that find the joke funny are, by the theory, not so attached. Furthermore, since the principles violated would seem to be universal moral principles that everyone would have at least some attachment to, the theory also predicts that no-one could fail to see the point, because everyone would recognise a violation of an important moral principle: one may only think this joke is either offensive or funny.
Joke analysis according to the present theory can be continued ad libitum. I know of no examples which cannot be analysed plausibly using the present theory. Instead of prolonging the discussion of jokes, then, we will move on to some other classes of humor-related phenomena.
Elephant jokes
Elephant jokes.
Why don't (some) grownups laugh at elephant jokes? Because they don't see the point -- the principles being violated are not matters that they care about or have emotional commitments to. Consider whether you laugh at these:
Q: How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator? A: There are footprints in the butter dish.
Q: How do you know that two elephants have been in the refrigerator? A: There are two sets of footprints in the butter dish.
Q: How do you know that a herd of elephants has been in the refrigerator? A: There is a Volkswagen parked in front of your house and there are lots of footprints in the butter dish.
This relentless, repetitive series of jokes are often not funny for many adults, but for many ten-year-olds and for some adults, elephant jokes are quite hilarious. Children are highly involved in actively constructing their view of the structure of the world. Just as everyone cares about, is emotionally attached to, whatever they are actively involved in doing, children have emotional commitments to the structure of the world. In the ten-year-old's world, it is a wonderful and essential feature of elephants that they are gigantic in size. Further, it is also a widespread attitude that one isn't supposed to dirty one's food; kids, especially, are actively being socialized into keeping food in the right place (on the plate or in the mouth) and their (often dirty) shoes off of things that need more considerate treatment. So there are a great many principles which children are emotionally attached to, which are violated in these particular elephant jokes: giant elephants are somehow small enough to climb around on a stick of butter, and at the same time, food is trampled on. These violations show how kids can find these jokes funny. At the same time, they are not so attached to the principle that they would be offended by breaking it: Few children have so great a personal investment in elephants being huge that they would be offended or personally threatened if elephants were tiny. Nor is the idea of someone else hypothetically stepping in some food a violation that cuts very close. Further, the cuteness of the answer, the difficulty of seeing anything wrong built into the question itself, and the banality of the question/answer format all help to make it so that the situation is clothed in normality. Finally, the surprise of the answer creates the simultaneous juxtaposition of the two affects in the minds of the perceivers.
For adults, on the other hand, the size of an elephant is more or less an accidental fact that might conceivably be otherwise, without changing the essence of elephantness. Further, the prohibition, ``Keep your dirty feet off the clean things in the house'' doesn't have the emotional impact with adults as with children. In any case, adults do have a model of reality with decades of sedimentary accumulation in which they may have lost their emotional involvement in such things as the size of elephants, or even the idea of stepping on a stick of butter - which might remain inconvenient, but is no longer grounds for teasing or punishment. At least for those adults that are not amused by these elephant jokes, the theory suggests that these violations no longer have sufficient affective impact.
Why don't (some) grownups laugh at elephant jokes? Because they don't see the point -- the principles being violated are not matters that they care about or have emotional commitments to. Consider whether you laugh at these:
Q: How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator? A: There are footprints in the butter dish.
Q: How do you know that two elephants have been in the refrigerator? A: There are two sets of footprints in the butter dish.
Q: How do you know that a herd of elephants has been in the refrigerator? A: There is a Volkswagen parked in front of your house and there are lots of footprints in the butter dish.
This relentless, repetitive series of jokes are often not funny for many adults, but for many ten-year-olds and for some adults, elephant jokes are quite hilarious. Children are highly involved in actively constructing their view of the structure of the world. Just as everyone cares about, is emotionally attached to, whatever they are actively involved in doing, children have emotional commitments to the structure of the world. In the ten-year-old's world, it is a wonderful and essential feature of elephants that they are gigantic in size. Further, it is also a widespread attitude that one isn't supposed to dirty one's food; kids, especially, are actively being socialized into keeping food in the right place (on the plate or in the mouth) and their (often dirty) shoes off of things that need more considerate treatment. So there are a great many principles which children are emotionally attached to, which are violated in these particular elephant jokes: giant elephants are somehow small enough to climb around on a stick of butter, and at the same time, food is trampled on. These violations show how kids can find these jokes funny. At the same time, they are not so attached to the principle that they would be offended by breaking it: Few children have so great a personal investment in elephants being huge that they would be offended or personally threatened if elephants were tiny. Nor is the idea of someone else hypothetically stepping in some food a violation that cuts very close. Further, the cuteness of the answer, the difficulty of seeing anything wrong built into the question itself, and the banality of the question/answer format all help to make it so that the situation is clothed in normality. Finally, the surprise of the answer creates the simultaneous juxtaposition of the two affects in the minds of the perceivers.
For adults, on the other hand, the size of an elephant is more or less an accidental fact that might conceivably be otherwise, without changing the essence of elephantness. Further, the prohibition, ``Keep your dirty feet off the clean things in the house'' doesn't have the emotional impact with adults as with children. In any case, adults do have a model of reality with decades of sedimentary accumulation in which they may have lost their emotional involvement in such things as the size of elephants, or even the idea of stepping on a stick of butter - which might remain inconvenient, but is no longer grounds for teasing or punishment. At least for those adults that are not amused by these elephant jokes, the theory suggests that these violations no longer have sufficient affective impact.
Canned JOKE
One day the teacher ask the students in the class.The question is what is the organ of the body will expand 10 times larger than original?One of the student said to the teacher that the teacher's mind is dirty.Another student answered the question.The teacher said that you will be dissappointed when u got married.
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